Coffee Bean on the Half Shell

I’m a coffee addict. I admit this freely. I am a Slave to the Bean. It’s not a pretty addiction, but there are far worse vices out there, legal and illegal, that I could be chained to. I know my limits – I have little willpower for such things, and I’m not a quitter, so I wouldn’t even play with the addictive drugs that are out there. So I’m a BeanHead. Having said this, it is very, very dangerous to fuck with my Bean. Plain and simple.

Unless you want a raging lunatic, let this sleeping dragon lie. Easy enough to do right? Just don’t fuck with my Bean. And yet, people always have to do just that!

This weekend, I opted to go to a Dunkin’ Donuts for a cup of regular coffee – to the Emerald City citizens of Seattle, this is akin to the weakest Starbuck’s Mild blend with extra water, no foam, syrup, caramel, or any other type of “extra” stuff that you guys love. Don’t jump on me for that – I’m also a loyal Tully and Seattle’s Best drinker, but you take what you can get, and frankly, Dunkin’s (having started in Boston) is more common around here. Besides, Dunkin’s regular coffee kicks the crap out of all of the Starbuck’s types, as well as Tully’s and Best’s, and their iced coffee is smoother and lighter than a Frap or Mocha. Enough said.

So I go to this Dunkin’ for a cup o’iced coffee; tis spring after all. Before I could escape my parent’s house, I was sent with a list of things to get: a small hot coffee, a medium hot coffee, and a hot decaf tea (I don’t know the point of that drink, but that’s an entirely different matter.) I get to the place and it’s empty. Now, those of you that are in the Northeast you know this already, but it’s a fact that no retail worker can multitask; if they can they choose not to, ever. So I place the order, waiting after each bullet point, and in the following order:

  • 1 medium iced coffee, light – 2 sugar

  • 2 hot coffees, a small light and sweet, and a medium light and 2 sugar

  • 1 medium decaf tea, light with milk, 1 sugar

Sounds reasonable, right? Nope. Not even remotely. The first drink – iced coffee – was accepted with an eye roll. I guess there’s a bit of walking involved and this woman was a bit on the “gravitationally challenged” side. Does this make her slow or the bitch she is? Of course not – weight has little to do with how bitchy a person can be and I believe if you tempted her with a cheeseburger she’d sprint like Flo-Jo. I believe anyone can be a bitch – equal opportunity and such. But no, I figure she’s a just a lazy bitch by her nature. So I get the iced coffee. I then get a sigh, when I ask for the other two hot drinks. Those are right in front of the counter, so no worries – it’s a short trip. Then I ask for the tea. Holy man. You’d thought I asked her to give blood. “Is there any other hot drinks?” was the retort. Excuse me? excuse me? This is your job, chica. You are working in a Dunkin’ Donuts. You make coffee. You bag donuts. Those of the higher echelon of skills will be allowed to make breakfast sandwiches. And you’re giving me attitude because I have a drink order with four cups on a Saturday afternoon while the place is empty? Oh I don’t think so.

What I don’t get is what her problem was. I mean I can handle grumpy, disgruntled, and being obnoxious when warranted; it’s not warranted here! I ordered coffee from a place that serves coffee. What a shock that must have been for her. I also don’t understand how she thinks this can help her. They have that annoying tip cup there (that’ll be addressed by a future rant) and that’s fine, but see, I’m in this Dunkin’ almost every weekend at some point. She’s seen me at least a dozen times in the last year and I usually end up with the same order every week. This coming Saturday, however, my order will go a little differently… I plan to order “3 coffees, 2 medium – one of them iced, two of them hot – one medium one small – and all three light; the mediums are with two sugars, and the small one sweet.” If the same woman offers resistance, I’ll add an order of 150 munchins, asking her to see each one as she picks them, before she adds them to the box: one at a time. Dunkin’ Donuts is one of the few retail locations where the customer can extract revenge from the employees should they feel they need to.

The moral of the story could be some deep passage about how to always show pride in the job that you are working at, regardless of how unimportant you think it is or however much you dislike it… instead, the moral is quite simple: Don’t fuck with my Bean!

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