I’m currently on a semi-express to Stamford which makes about seven stops. I got on an earlier train because I figured it couldn’t hurt to get to work a little early – mistake one I guess, but there’s a really attractive woman that takes this train now-a-days… wears Movado and Coach – two of my favourite brands – and flip flops with a gold toe ring. It’s hard to find normal people on the train lately, much less a kindred spirit, so I figure it’s well worth the extra seven minutes of my morning, and who knows how long she’ll be on this train, so yay me – I caught the earlier train. Anyway, after the first stop, the bulk of the PTA got on board.
It’s MetroNorth’s fault that I’m currently trapped in a mobile PTA meeting.
I can’t believe this shit. Now the trains are usually semi-empty at this point, being two stops out of it’s originating station, but in MetroNorth’s infinite wisdom, they’ve inserted a Bar Car, which invariably reeks of post evening commuting stench and is the most uncomfortable moving conveyance known to humans – it makes coach planes seem spacious and posh. Why is there a Bar Car active in the morning? No one has a logical answer for that – the bar is closed during the morning commute! It’s just here to torments commuters. See, when there’s a Bar Car in the morning trains, everyone bails to the preceding and following cars. Right now there’s about 15 people in the vestibule, due to lack of seating – every other seat in this car is full. This Bar Car thing pushed me to the car that followed it on the tracks, which is where the daily Womyn’s Group meeting is held – this is not my regular car.
First off picture about ten to twelve career women and working mothers, and no, this ain’t a Bud Light commercial – they’re not attractive and by saying in that way I’m being polite. Picture them all wide awake at 7:30 AM. Now picture that they all know each other because they usually sit together in these “face to face” sections as there’s usually ten seats available. Add to this the fact that there’s Warren, the son of one of these women, who rides with his Mum to work. Warren is about three or four years old, and is an occasionally screaming boy. His feet haven’t touched the ground yet on this ride because he keeps getting passed among the women. Some woman that couldn’t fit in the “normal” section, ended up a couple of rows away from Warren. This displaced woman, who is wearing a floral moo-moo and putting on her makeup – not that you could tell mind you – has been complaining that Warren is being mushy and unhappy looking – “can I give him a napkin? why can’t I give him a napkin? I want to give him a napkin? Why isn’t he happy? Can I give him a napkin?” – and then precedes to get him all riled up. Warren has transformed from a half asleep angelic looking child into a post-Batman-the-Ride screaming lad. Just what every morning commute should have. Sound like fun? But wait – there’s more!
Two other “regulars” didn’t fit in the regular section either. One sits next to me and the other sits behind her. Think that’s no big deal, right? Lets call the one next to me Itchy and the other, Scratchy. Did you know that Itchy’s husband (or gigolo) was building a log cabin? And that you can’t just slap up a log cabin? It takes time to put a log cabin together. And that’s not easy. Oh, and that she caught the clap from some other guy? Scratchy was just complaining about being single, but she’s getting used to her independence. Or being on her own – I can hear everything but for some reason even I can’t follow along all the well. I can’t tell if she’s happy about it. Now Itchy is adding to the fact that being alone is sort of nice than being financially dependent on a guy. And on to the hair conversation. Oh joy! Now Scratchy is talking about why she doesn’t like wings, as they never seem to hold to the right place on her panties. Oi. Ok, maybe some of this was embellished, but most of it wasn’t – this should fall under simple train etiquette:
- Speak in normal tones
- Cackling over anything at 7:45 AM should be punishable by public flogging
- Do not sit one behind each other and carry on a conversation, facing the aisle. Not because it’s rude, but because the guy that you’re now talking, to since you’re facing him across the aisle, will start typing like mad on his computer and will record your entire conversation and post it on the Internet adding comments as required to help keep it interesting
- Do not offer Warren a napkin in loud tones, three rows away, regardless of who you are – this is also bad because his mother said no and you’re undercutting her authority for poor Warren; this should cause a flogging as well.
- Any designer selling a floral moo-moo should be made to wear a “I Liked ‘Full House’ and ‘Family Matters'” sign around their neck and sent to SoHo. Granted this has little do to with the Train Etiquette lesson, but I felt it needed to be said
All common sense don’t you think? I think so. They must not see the screen nor the sense in it, because they’re still yammering! Help me! I’m trapped in a woman’s bathroom conversation!