An Ode To a Vegan

While adapting to my new environment, I’ve been chatting up new people in and around town and work. I’m actually enjoying my first bout of almost anonymity, which is something that I haven’t had many opportunities to experience before. One of the things that I’ve begun to notice, as I meet more people, is that Vegans are everywhere and are often found in attractive women. And this creates a problem for me, to some degree.

Yes, I said almost anonymity. You see, I used to live in a town that was one town away from my childhood home and never lived more than 20 minutes away from the hospital I was born in. Consequently, I couldn’t go anywhere without seeing someone I knew. Because I went to a regional high school, I knew people from all over the area and not just from my local town. I also dated someone for a couple of years that lived on Long Island, which introduced me to another set if people in yet another area. And so, it was not uncommon for me to pop out to the local KFC and hear, “Randy? Is that you?” I guess I look very similar to what I used to look like in school – just less hair topside. Chuck doesn’t have this problem – I guess he looks different – but it’s something I lived with every day.

I’ve even bumped into people in California and Las Vegas. It’s neat in a way, but it can be inconvenient when out on first dates or trying to have some quiet time out of the house (or if it’s someone that you purposely lost contact with, although that’s rare). The only time I’ve been able to be out of range, was when I went to Hong Kong; I knew only one person there and I knew where he was the whole time. If I wanted to step out and get lost in a crowd, he didn’t care and he let me be. Go figure that a gwai lo – who would usually stand out in an Asian city – can disappear in plain sight.

When I moved to WA, I only knew a handful of people and thanks to a a spectacle that I made of myself a couple of years ago, I have nothing to hide. [Except for a lone shoe. *snicker*] So I can wander around towns at will in a certain comfort. It’s just neat, is all.

Anyway, while I’ve been meeting people, I’ve also been checking out the women. Lets be honest here: I’m a single heterosexual guy that’s in a new town and the odds of Shelly selling me Kayla is looking slimmer each day. Would it be such a bad thing to go out on a date every now and again? And, as has been mentioned before, a few of the cute women that I’ve met are Vegans or a vegetarian, at a minimum. I couldn’t tell you where they’re from. I couldn’t tell you what color of underwear that they wear. I couldn’t even tell you what kind of car they drive, but I can guess that it’s a compact with good mileage. But… erm. Vegetarian. Ouch. That’s a hard one.

Every year for Lent, a lot of catholics still fast from meat on Fridays. A number of years ago, I some how got into the habit of doing this and it stuck. Oh sure, there were many a time in high school and college that I either forgot it was Friday or purposely didn’t care… I recall one meatball and bacon pizza (mostly because my cohort in dietary crime was Jewish) and on a Good Friday when three of us took a two pound slab of London Broil and cut it into thirds. But I lately, I will attempt to make the gesture and usually do it for the entire 40 day period. Every year I’m reminded that I have four major food groups: Beef, Chicken, Pork, and Cheese. Three of these are ripped away from me for Lent. And it hurts more, every… singleyear.

Enter the Vegan. How would I grapple with that everyday? I mean it’s like dating a smoker – I wouldn’t want a smoker to smoke in my house; I would expect a Vegan to not want me to cook a rare steak in hers. And then what else would come of this? No more trips to Outback? No more Ken’s Steak? Soy hot dogs? Tofu clamless chowder? Are eggs allowed? Milk? What about a drop in iron in yer blood? What about… about… chicken parm? Doomed from the start this would-be-relation is! Tis a shame, but that’s the reality of it. I can honestly say that it’s more likely that I could overcome differences in religion before I could compromise on a meatless lifestyle. And that’s the truth of it.

And people thought Cheese had power.


9 thoughts on “An Ode To a Vegan”

  1. oh so true, but I’ve found a little charm and the flash of green and a whole lot of luck usually can win those southern women over!

  2. giving up trips to outback is not that bad, consider what you might get in return. if you are lucky, not only you will get a charming and attractive vegan woman for life, you will get to explore many cool vegan eateries (unlike your boring outback) and learn about things you may otherwise not get a chance to learn! if she dumps you because of your love for a cow, you can always walk back to your outback again but you will have more insightful and interesting vegan stuff to write about.

    good to know vegans are everywhere.

  3. Outback = good.

    Vegan = good …but not for Randy, I think.

    Vegetables = boring …again, to me.

    But yes, Vegans are everywhere. Between work and personal life I’ve known many. It’s just not for me. And what’s more, the post is about how a Vegan and non-Vegan would cause a clash of lifestyles, is all – one of religious proportions.


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