“What is this?”

The other day Anna was over, puttering around in my kitchen, while I was dropping a disc in my DVD player in the living room. Just as the tray retracts into the player, the only thing I hear from the kitchen is, “What. Is. This?


I froze.

“What is what,” I think. I don’t subscribe to Playboy anymore, so there shouldn’t be a black bag in my mail. I don’t think I ordered anything unusual recently… God knows, though. I mean, you get drunk enough and the dumbest thing online is suddenly funny and often powered by a USB port. Even the stuffed Pee and Poo made me giggle when I first saw them – just not enough to order them. Then again, it wouldn’t be the first time I got a mystery package in the mail that I had opened with a “what the hell was I thinking last week?” thought. Either way, I’m nearly 100% positive that there’s no porn in the kitchen for feck’s sake. Not a chance. Maybe. No, no, really. There wouldn’t be. Or at least shouldn’t be.

.. right?

“Er… what’s what?” I replied, cautiously.

“This… thing,” she says while still out of sight, in the kitchen.

I walked away from the DVD player and looked around the corner to see what she was talking about. Anna is standing there with a look of utter disgust on her face, holding a small catalog by the corner, as if it had been marinated in urine. A closer look tells me that it was the “End Your Lease Early!” thing that GM sent me earlier this week: they sent over a photo shoot of all of the GM cars, trucks and SUV’s, as well as a blurb telling me that they’d give me $2K to cover the remaining lease payments I have for my Jetta.

“Oh… that. Well…” I said.

“What were you thinking?” she asked me.

A quick conversation spelled out that it wasn’t a solicited catalog; the only GM I would consider at this point would be Saab, and frankly I’ve lost touch with them since the GM buy out. The fact that I haven’t been thrilled with my current Jetta during this lease – I still say it’s because the Jetta wasn’t assembled in Germany like my Passat was – makes me shy a bit from VW. The added fact that both the Jetta and the Passat are now out of “car-paying comfort zone” irks me a good deal. BWM 3, Audi A4, Acura TL, Volvo [any] are way too pricy for me. Jetta, Passat, GTI, Cooper-S, Accord, and Maxima are overpriced for what ya get – a couple thousand more and you’re in the higher price range, so why skimp at that level. Acura RSX is a good price but a 3-door again? Civic Si looks nice but when I took a closer look, I felt like I could bend pieces of with my own hands… from GM? Honestly, only a Saab would interest me and… well. Who knows what Delco has done to the thing recently.

Even so.

Why does it sound like getting “caught” with a GM brochure is worse than getting caught with porn!

16 thoughts on ““What is this?””

  1. ::jealous::

    For pee and poo, I’d trek over to the “green” buildings – in fact I was over there earlier in the week for a quick convo with someone over there, but it was in and out. Besides, your cafeteria is better than mine ;)

  2. Because, you know how I feel about domestic makes. I would of been gravely dissapointed if you were considering an american car…(so says the infinately proud 1979 Datsun 280zx owner.)

  3. My “Domestic” 2004 Chevy Malibu MAXX LS has yet to give me a single problem. It’s great on gas, and has great power (200 bhp). And is VERY comfortable and looks bad as hell. But…. further investigation determined that it’s really a Saab with a Chevy logo. Happens all the time now. So I would not rule out domestic’s just yet. Im sure it’s more reliable and stylish that a 25 year old rice burner :P

  4. I would. I’ve had a Ford and Chevy and AMC and Chrysler. Had problems with three outta four. That’s quite enough for me. :)

  5. Yes obed, while you continue to make payments on your malibu, I’ll sit and watch the value of my car increase…not decrease, as your saab/chevy is currently. By the way…there may be problems in the future with it, but I’d trust it on a trip to florida now. My car also looks “bad as hell”, is very comfy, and is a riot to drive. OH..and fyi, my 25 year old straight line 6 would WASTE any robot manufactured POS you have under your hood.

  6. OOO, I wish I could race you, but your on the other side of the country. But my MAXX would outperform your car quite easily, 200 hp vs 130? come on. Your 0-60 time is 8.3 seconds, under perfect shifting conditions. Mine is 7.6 with my electronically controlled automatic. Plus lack of power steering, anti-lock brakes, and driving skills, would hummiliate you in a street race.

  7. HP isn’t everything. There’s also little things like manual versus automatic as well as the amount of torque.

    My Passat had 240hp yet my GLI burried it in spite of the GLI having 200hp: the Passat didn’t have nearly as much torque… it took at least 1/4 mile to get its speed going. My Jetta throws yer head back off the line.


  8. You can’t knock the driving abilities of someone you’ve never met in real life. You also forget that most Porsche’s are built with a tiny 4 cyl engines that would waste you and I…so that arguement about engine size is bunk. Oh..count the recalls on your car…1, 2..oh wait..there’s THREE recalls on your deathtrap (thank you randy). You also have no idea of what kind of alterations have been done to my car. My car is a classic sprots muscle car (Japanese, but nontheless)…what is yours? An American deathtrap that honestly, has no history, or that anyone really knows about.

  9. Again, 220 lb-ft of torque v.s. 149.0 lb-ft of torque. The only thing you got on me is weight. And a deathtrap? Come on, your rusted chasis, and lower weight with no modern saftey features? Thats such a bunk argument. And no history? Ass. The Malibu Maxx is the highest trim level of the Chevy Malibu, but it used to go by another name the Chevelle, which debuted in 1962. Nissan started making Z’s in 1965. None of the recalls are serious, not a single one. It’s just good customer service. I never mentioned engine size, I mentioned offical 0-60 times. That’s speed testing not engine specs. And any engine, after 25 years of wear and tear will not have it’s stock horsepower. I will give you top speed because my car has a limiter, so it tops out at 107mph, I believe yours is not limited, but is said to have a max speed of 118mph. Thats if the engine was brand new. Im ready when you are.

  10. Oh you got me. Because I’m too stupid to purchase a 25 year old car with a rusted out chassis. And do airbags really save you when you collide with someone head on going 60mph? I have a seatbelt. Thats all you need. My car tops at 160, btw.

  11. 160 my ass. Your speedometer might say 160, but thats it. Your car would have to over 400 HP to top out at 160. Your cars frame isn’t built to support that much power. It would destroy it self. I doubt your car could go faster than 110. Don’t believe me, give it a shot. Take it out and try to hit 160, it will NEVER make it. My RX-7’s speedometer said 220, it only topped out at 135-140. And that car was heavily moddified. Catback exhaust, engine bore, cutom intake, and racing coils. You don’t know shit about cars do you? 160 your dreaming.

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