Gobble Gobble Gobble

Happy Post-Thanksgiving-Day-Break. Or something like that. As it should be obvious by now, I’ve taken the week of Thanksgiving to be as far away from computers as possible, hence there were no new posts to the site… and now that it’s Monday, I’m sitting on a train, just like always. Well, almost “like always”. The 7:25 Express train was delayed. Made for a nice oxymoron, given that I’m sitting aboard a delayed express – sorta like the motto for Amtrak.

So last night, before watching the Sopranos, I was thinking about what to write about and well… it was a good weekend. Nothing much to Rant about. I’ve since proofread all of the old posts, so there’s nothing left to re-read. “randyrants.com: now with proofreading, so it sucks less!” I’m reading The Time Machine, by Wells – Geeks that’re reading this site don’t need a review of it, as you’ve probably read it a dozen times over. I’m listening to “Bat Out of Hell” by Meat Loaf (via iPod) – again, no review required. So what to do?

Ah. Of course. The i-95 Morning Show steps up while on the way to work by sparking a twing in my side – Omlette talking about relationships usually toggles a thought or two – and then I see it. It’s faint, but it’s been there for a while – just needs to be pulled into the light for some viewing… you see, it’s a conspiracy theory… and at the center of it is Hallmark.

Yes, Hallmark. See, over the last decade I’ve felt the pressure of card giving and the whole thing feels like a piece of popcorn that’s stuck my lower molars. Men simply don’t do it. Now, now, don’t go jumping on me for it. If you are male and you do send cards, alls it means is that a woman got to you and taught that giving cards is the “right” thing to do, and that’s a fact. See, what I question is why giving a card became the “right” thing. Women instinctively want to give cards for every little event or thing. What does that come from is what I want to know. Is it bred into the gender, or is it conditioned into them during high school, that cards are “the right thing”? Whichever the case, why is it that men don’t have it? As I have a penis (and no, ladies, I will not be posting pictures to prove it) that means no cards at all and I don’t know why people bother. Buying cards at a local card store has got to be every bit as painful as a prostate exam – at least the prostate exam can leave you a shred of male dignity! No cards for me, so long as I have any say in the matter, which it’s obvious I don’t – giving gifts to women require a card or an extreme amount of grief will be flung at you at will.

So why is Hallmark to blame for this? Well, simply put, they control commercial holidays. All of them – they all fall under the gold crown’s demesne. And they wield that power like the Queen they represent would. Where is it written that Christmas cards should be sent to a long list of friends, family and acquaintances? Yet most families (and single women) do it. As a kid, do you not remember your mother stressing about the Christmas card list? Do you not now keep a running list to keep track of the people to add to The List by the end of the year? What does that have to do with the holiday? Better yet, how does the Macabee miracle of oil equate to sending a draidle embossed card every December? Nope, sorry, but some other agency is involved in this.

And then there’s the “new” holidays that have surfaced the last few years… not so much Kwanza, but days like Grandparents Day. Oh, I have no issue with it, per se, but I find it odd that there were cards appearing for it, before the holiday was well known. Or Secretary’s Day – I don’t personally know anyone that get an assistant all to themselves anymore… or my new favorite: Sweetheart’s Day. That’s the one that drove me over the edge. I’m all for capitalism, and companies expanding their product line, but this is impacting people’s lives in stupid ways. I’m waiting to be told “You forgot it’s Sweetheart’s Day???” when, to me, that would be February 14. I found out about this holiday after I remarked to someone that the Vermont Teddy Bear company has lost their mind with all heart bears in a catalog not being shipping in February. Yeah, I know, it’s weird to me too.

Someone needs to keep these people in check. Can’t be the government, as it’s all just fiction anyway… won’t be other card companies, because they simply follow Hallmark’s lead in these things – if there’s a massive run on Grandparent’s Day cards, they will make money, the same as the leader. I think it’s got to be the comedian’s of the world. Look at how Bill Cosby did with the Puddin’ Pops from Jell-o. Turned them into a household name. He could have just as easily panned them and gotten them laughed out of existence. Someone needs to do something about it, though – It’s spinning outta control, and quickly. I’m hoping it’s George Carlin who helps the cause.

Personally, I’m waiting for Post-PMS Day (a 12-time a year event) and Hooter Appreciation Day cards… you might actually get a couple send from me for those holidays!

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