Personally, I think teenagers need to spend time at the mall on weekends. In my opinion, they simply aren’t there long enough for the place to make a proper impression. You see, if they did spend more time at the mall, obviously there would be a substantial and measurable drop in teenage pregnancy: I can’t think of very many forms of birth control that are as effective as being in a mall on a Saturday afternoon, surrounded by a bunch of screaming children, simply because you decided to get a latte.

Honest – it’s a lock.