Screw You, Hallmark

I’ve often wondered if there was a government board or council or something that dealt with the creation and maintenance of holidays in the US. Let’s face facts: Flag Day would be completely forgotten if there wasn’t someone reminding us every 14th of June. There’s no religious reason for it. No one exchanges gifts on it. There’s a spark of patriotism that goes with it, but for the last couple of years, every day in the US has had a spark of patriotism, so this holiday can be easily overlooked. Yankee Stadium knew about it this year: everyone got a little flag to carry in the stands and there was a huge flag displayed during the national anthem, held by soldiers from the four branches of the US armed forces. So someone is keeping the holidays straight for us. I think it’s been Hallmark that’s been doing it. However, to Hallmark, I say, “Screw You.”

You see, Hallmark can’t just sit back and simply remind us of holidays. They feel obligated to promote holidays, particularly if the holiday “requires” cards, wrapping paper, and gift bags. And to that I’m OK with Hallmark. They’re a business like any other and they’re required to find new and innovative ways to make money. So that sits just fine with me.

Of course, the current annual holiday list is finite, so there’s only a set number of holidays that Hallmark can make money on. They’re spread out through the months, so there’s no “busy” period – except for maybe December – but Hallmark still didn’t seem to be happy with the current limitation of available holidays. So Hallmark started to create their own over the years. Days like Secretary’s Day, Grandparent’s Day, and Sweethearts’ Day started to appear on our calendars – long standing fact: the people that make calendars are in Hallmark’s back pocket – and another trend was started… Hallmark Created Holidays.

Think about it. Who in the hell needs “Sweethearts’ Day”? Wouldn’t that be Valentine’s Day? Not necessarily, according to Hallmark: you need both days. What’s next, Mistress’ Day? The kicker – to me anyway – is that both of these holidays fall in February. At least I think they do – I refuse to recognize both days; one or the other is quite enough and I selected Valentine’s Day. Woe to the man that has an anniversary in February, if his significant other opts in on both holidays. What a freakin’ mess that could make of a budget!

Believe it or not, I’m OK with this Holiday Generation ploy too. If Hallmark is the “official keeper of all things holiday related” then let’m go to town. No one forces us to recognize these new holidays. Canada has a Boxing Day holiday, for the love of peat. [Yes, I know this is a pun] I figure why not let them go nuts with this crap. They can always shit can a holiday the following year, right? If “Gout Day” or “Hump a Blonde Day” doesn’t catch on, they just tell the calendar companies to leave it off the follow year’s calendar.

Hallmark still deserves a big Screw You, though and it’s from a lack of a holiday actually. You got Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and Grandparent’s Day. Kids often get bent about these holidays and want to know when Kid’s Day is. Seasoned parents are fast to point out that as a kid, everyday is Kid’s Day, and I personally believe that to be true. Kids have the attention of their parents, DCF, the local and federal government, Coca-Cola and Pepsi Corporations, MTV, and the rest of the Media-at-Large. Marketing departments dream about how to target kids and nick their tiny bank accounts for profits. Kids have plenty of “days” as it is. No, the holiday that Hallmark has missed is one for a childless adult.

Notice that I don’t mention anything about “marriage” in there? Single Moms and Dads are included in Mother’s and Father’s Day. Whether they are single due to divorce, death of spouse, or a faulty (or missing) condom, they are still part of both days. No, it’s the childless adult that is shunned and forgotten. Me, I’m childless by choice (and luck, true) at this point. I have no desire to be a single parent, and as I’m not married, it’s a simple thing to see why I don’t have kids. And to the parents out there: more power to you. Thank you for keeping the human race going, because I will probably avoid doing my “required procreation” for this lifetime, so I’m glad someone is taking up the slack. However, I’m sick to death of being pissed on by almost every facet of society, just because I used condoms or have control of my penis and don’t hump every skirt I see. I get no tax breaks whatsoever. I get looked down upon by most of the people I meet and give me the “oh, you’re 30 and you don’t have kids yet” look. I get shafted by government programs that I help to fund with my tax dollars, just because I’m without dependents.

And fine, this is all my choice. What about couples that can’t have children for biological reasons? Other parents are quick to pop out with “adopt!” but what if that’s not an option for the couple? Or *gasp* the couple just decides to not have kids? Yeah, I know, they must be freaks too, right? No! Where is it written that people have to have kids? I know I never wrote that. From what I seen in the malls, half of the population isn’t qualified to have them, in the first place. In fact, I don’t know how some of these guys actually figured out how to use their penises in the first place; I guess biological instinct took over.

I want a “No Kids Day,” plain and simple. It’s only fair after all. Doesn’t anyone get that people that don’t have kids are already made to feel like their outcasts on most days already? Add to that the hoopla of Mother’s and Father’s Day and imagine how they feel. And if kids don’t like a holiday like this, screw’m! They need a “the world doesn’t revolve around you all the time” lesson every now and again. So I want a No Kids Day. In fact, I’ll claim it myself: the third Sunday in July. Seems to be right in line with the other holidays, don’t you think? Hallmark should be thrilled that there’s another holiday to pick up on – I just don’t think they’d have the balls to make up such a holiday. It’s not very politically correct, I guess, but “P.C.” has never been my forte.

Remember No Kids Day: July 20, 2003!

9 thoughts on “Screw You, Hallmark”

  1. Um, sure if you think so – doesn’t take much skill to make a child, though, so I don’t see a reason to brag. Takes skill to raise a child, and I know I’m not good at it. But hey, thanks for the feedback from one who is too afraid of being “known” to leave an email address!

  2. Ranting is one thing, but at least know you’re facts. Secretary’s Day grew out of a campaign by the president of the Dictaphone corporation, the president of the Nat’l Secretaries’ Association and an ad agency employee to attract more people to administrative careers. This was in 1952. As a result of their efforts, the U.S. Secretary of Commerce decided to designate a full week as Secretary’s Week, and a day in the middle as Secretary’s Day.

    In 1970, a West Virginia housewife, Marian Lucille Herndon McQuade, who was an advocate for the elderly, began a campaign to set aside a special day just for Grandparents. In 1973, due to her efforts, it was designated a holiday in W. Virginia. Then in 1978, Congress passed legislation, signed by Jimmy Carter, declaring it a Nat’l Holiday.

    Many people refer to Valentine’s Day as Sweetheart’s Day. Beyond that, it may be a separate holiday. I can’t find anything about it though.

  3. Dear Randy,

    Congratulations on not having or wanting kids! :) If your email address (which is at the bottom of this page, by the way) is correct, you can expect to receive an e-card on July 18, 2004 celebrating “No Kids Day”. I love your idea. I think the world is a wee bit overpopulated with kids. And these folks who keep popping out 4 or 5 or more kids don’t seem to understand that the world DOESN’T NEED A BIGGER POPULATION. We are destroying the earth as it is.

    I’m female, and at this point in my life (nearly 30), I don’t plan on having any kids. Why give up my own sweet life and freedom so I can spend every single day of the next decade taking care of a kid? Kids have to have ALL your attention, ALL your time, ALL your energy. There’s nothing left for you. A person’s identity then becomes “parent”. They stick bumber stickers on their cars proclaiming it. The mother of my step-daughter has a sticker on her car that says “Elizabeth’s Mom”. Never mind that she is a businesswoman – a reporter for the town newspaper and a popular member of her church. Forget that stuff, she is “Elizabeth’s Mom” and proud of it. And so she should be. She’s got a smart kid. A smart kid that needs constant attention, wants to watch ONLY stupid kid shows on TV, doesn’t want to do anything except kid stuff like go to the park or play games, and jump all over the place like a wild animal when I’m trying to relax. And what do the parents get to do? Oh yeah, they get to give constant attention to the child, watch stupid kid shows, go to the park and play games, and get jumped on like a trampoline by their child. I don’t want to sacrifice my life for that. There are enough kids in the world. I don’t need another one around to wrack my nerves.

    My husband talks about wanting to have a kid. Seems to me like his d*ck already contributed to the world population. He thinks I’ll be able to easily slim back down to my normal size and I won’t have stretch marks, varicose veins, more cellulite than I already do, and just be a plain fat mama. NOOOO… he has this idea that I can be like those beautiful actresses that pop out a baby one week, and the next week they are back to 110 pounds and have already had a tummy tuck. Well I can’t. His expectations are irrational. Just because SOME women don’t have those problems (like 16 year olds), doesn’t mean the majority of them don’t. And when that kid drives me absolutely crazy and I leave my husband and the child, what man will want me then? With my fat ass and stretch marks and scar from my caesarian? I look good and I plan on staying that way. All the people that think that women (or men) are incomplete or not right somehow because they don’t want screaming, jumping, tugging, yapping, whining, selfish kids, can bite me. Your kids drive me crazy. I just want freaking SILENCE and you don’t get that with kids. “Mama! Mama! Mama! Watch this! Look at me! I can do this! No look again!! You didn’t see me! Look now! Watch! You turned your head that time! Look again! Look at me!” Sound familiar? I’d rather be reading my book than to watch this kid turn flips on the bed over and over and force me to look every single time as though something will be different the fifth time I see it.

    I can understand easily why a person would NOT want kids. It’s much more difficult to understand why people WANT kids. My husband has tried to explain that it has something to do with love and blah, blah, blah… I forget… but it was very difficult to relate to what the hell he was talking about. He already knocked up one woman and made her go through the hell of carrying a baby for nine months and raising it for 7 years so far, so why put another woman through the same hell? Oh yeah, I forgot, because that’s all women are good for. ;) Bite me.


    PS. If you think I’m hard on kids, read my web site to see how much I hate men. ;)

  4. i think that you’re right about all the hallamrk crap. and i agree about all the kid stuff, but some kids aren’t like that. i’m technically a kid

    {12} but you’d think that i was much older if i didn’t tell you. i, like many other kids in our screwed up country, do not take a lot of attention, time or effort. i can make my own meals, do y own homework, and keep myself occupied. all my parents have to is buy food and supplies and occasionaly give permission to do something {which i ask for} or drive me somewhere. and that will never be nessacery when i get my license {looking forward to}. i also but my own stuff, not like those things you always need like paper for school or toothpaste- my parents buy those- but like cd’s and games.

    and they never have to worry about my grades because they’re all a’s. well, i was bored and just thought i’d throw in my 2cents

    {oh yeah, i’m funny too!}

  5. Uwah??? What robot thingy? The “enter the code” page that sometimes shows up? That’s TypePad’s doing (and I can’t seem to turn that off, ever.)

  6. Randy, You are one sorry piece of existance. A bitter person who obviously doesnt care about others and doesnt want others to care about you. You deserve everything you write about. NOTHING.

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