I’ve often wondered if there was a government board or council or something that dealt with the creation and maintenance of holidays in the US. Let’s face facts: Flag Day would be completely forgotten if there wasn’t someone reminding us every 14th of June. There’s no religious reason for it. No one exchanges gifts on it. There’s a spark of patriotism that goes with it, but for the last couple of years, every day in the US has had a spark of patriotism, so this holiday can be easily overlooked. Yankee Stadium knew about it this year: everyone got a little flag to carry in the stands and there was a huge flag displayed during the national anthem, held by soldiers from the four branches of the US armed forces. So someone is keeping the holidays straight for us. I think it’s been Hallmark that’s been doing it. However, to Hallmark, I say, “Screw You.”
You see, Hallmark can’t just sit back and simply remind us of holidays. They feel obligated to promote holidays, particularly if the holiday “requires” cards, wrapping paper, and gift bags. And to that I’m OK with Hallmark. They’re a business like any other and they’re required to find new and innovative ways to make money. So that sits just fine with me.
Of course, the current annual holiday list is finite, so there’s only a set number of holidays that Hallmark can make money on. They’re spread out through the months, so there’s no “busy” period – except for maybe December – but Hallmark still didn’t seem to be happy with the current limitation of available holidays. So Hallmark started to create their own over the years. Days like Secretary’s Day, Grandparent’s Day, and Sweethearts’ Day started to appear on our calendars – long standing fact: the people that make calendars are in Hallmark’s back pocket – and another trend was started… Hallmark Created Holidays.
Think about it. Who in the hell needs “Sweethearts’ Day”? Wouldn’t that be Valentine’s Day? Not necessarily, according to Hallmark: you need both days. What’s next, Mistress’ Day? The kicker – to me anyway – is that both of these holidays fall in February. At least I think they do – I refuse to recognize both days; one or the other is quite enough and I selected Valentine’s Day. Woe to the man that has an anniversary in February, if his significant other opts in on both holidays. What a freakin’ mess that could make of a budget!
Believe it or not, I’m OK with this Holiday Generation ploy too. If Hallmark is the “official keeper of all things holiday related” then let’m go to town. No one forces us to recognize these new holidays. Canada has a Boxing Day holiday, for the love of peat. [Yes, I know this is a pun] I figure why not let them go nuts with this crap. They can always shit can a holiday the following year, right? If “Gout Day” or “Hump a Blonde Day” doesn’t catch on, they just tell the calendar companies to leave it off the follow year’s calendar.
Hallmark still deserves a big Screw You, though and it’s from a lack of a holiday actually. You got Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and Grandparent’s Day. Kids often get bent about these holidays and want to know when Kid’s Day is. Seasoned parents are fast to point out that as a kid, everyday is Kid’s Day, and I personally believe that to be true. Kids have the attention of their parents, DCF, the local and federal government, Coca-Cola and Pepsi Corporations, MTV, and the rest of the Media-at-Large. Marketing departments dream about how to target kids and nick their tiny bank accounts for profits. Kids have plenty of “days” as it is. No, the holiday that Hallmark has missed is one for a childless adult.
Notice that I don’t mention anything about “marriage” in there? Single Moms and Dads are included in Mother’s and Father’s Day. Whether they are single due to divorce, death of spouse, or a faulty (or missing) condom, they are still part of both days. No, it’s the childless adult that is shunned and forgotten. Me, I’m childless by choice (and luck, true) at this point. I have no desire to be a single parent, and as I’m not married, it’s a simple thing to see why I don’t have kids. And to the parents out there: more power to you. Thank you for keeping the human race going, because I will probably avoid doing my “required procreation” for this lifetime, so I’m glad someone is taking up the slack. However, I’m sick to death of being pissed on by almost every facet of society, just because I used condoms or have control of my penis and don’t hump every skirt I see. I get no tax breaks whatsoever. I get looked down upon by most of the people I meet and give me the “oh, you’re 30 and you don’t have kids yet” look. I get shafted by government programs that I help to fund with my tax dollars, just because I’m without dependents.
And fine, this is all my choice. What about couples that can’t have children for biological reasons? Other parents are quick to pop out with “adopt!” but what if that’s not an option for the couple? Or *gasp* the couple just decides to not have kids? Yeah, I know, they must be freaks too, right? No! Where is it written that people have to have kids? I know I never wrote that. From what I seen in the malls, half of the population isn’t qualified to have them, in the first place. In fact, I don’t know how some of these guys actually figured out how to use their penises in the first place; I guess biological instinct took over.
I want a “No Kids Day,” plain and simple. It’s only fair after all. Doesn’t anyone get that people that don’t have kids are already made to feel like their outcasts on most days already? Add to that the hoopla of Mother’s and Father’s Day and imagine how they feel. And if kids don’t like a holiday like this, screw’m! They need a “the world doesn’t revolve around you all the time” lesson every now and again. So I want a No Kids Day. In fact, I’ll claim it myself: the third Sunday in July. Seems to be right in line with the other holidays, don’t you think? Hallmark should be thrilled that there’s another holiday to pick up on – I just don’t think they’d have the balls to make up such a holiday. It’s not very politically correct, I guess, but “P.C.” has never been my forte.
Remember No Kids Day: July 20, 2003!